Recently, I heard Chili (1/3 of the R&B Group TLC) and newly found reality star of VH1’s “What Chili Wants”, on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Chili was talking about the upcoming season of “What Chili Wants” and it left me sitting by my radio asking “Why in the world would VH1 do a second season of this show?” Then, just a few minutes later I realized that this is the same network that will milk the life out of a piece of another show….turning it into 3 more series of reality shows. (Case in point, Flavor of Love-all three seasons, followed by Strange Love with Flavor Flav, followed by I Love New York, followed by I Love New York 2, followed by a Real Chance at Love with Real and Chance followed by Real Chance at Love 2…….see my pattern?)
I watched the first season of “What Chili Wants” and I became disgusted at this “list” that Chili has. This “list” was used to screen and give the requirements that Chili’s potential suitors must possess in order for her to even consider going on a date with them. This “list” defined everything from acceptable height, weight, smell, type of clothes they wear, what they eat, what they do, a requirement of a muscular chest, a large wang, big balls, a nice attitude, willing to compromise, able to share and appreciate women, wanting to understand the needs of a woman, being financially able to take care of her existing lifestyle, understands the music industry and be ok with her schedule, love unconditionally, tall dark and handsome, pearly teeth, his piss must smell like fabric softener and he can’t ever pass gas in front of her. So I’m thinking…yeah ok. How you think you gonna find a dude anywhere (much less in Atlanta) that posses these characteristics and is not a homosexual? And if you do find this mythical man, what makes you think he gonna want you? I’m just playing Devils Advocate here, but let’s just say I was this mythical man. And let’s just say that hermaphrodite looking relationship expert (Tionna Smalls- see Exhibit A) approached me and said she wanted me to meet Chili because I meet all the requirements on her list.
You know what I would say to her? “Gurl! I’m Big Sexy and my urine smells like fabric softener! Why would I want Chili? Don’t you know I have Tariji P. Henson on speed dial?”
What most people don’t realize is that this is not an oddity that is limited to this reality show. There are thousands of females everywhere that have a list. And not just a mental list that they keep in their heads. No, women across America have written down all of the things they want to find in a mate. At face value, there is nothing wrong with this. But as you can see with Chili, she just kept writing and writing and writing until no man could qualify. What about us “regular guys”? Don’t you think we have a list too? Don’t you think we want woman who is curvacious, with big supple breasts, plump hips, a fine momma, with a good attitude that doesn’t nag us about watching football all day Saturday? Do see us turning down dates when you don’t have those things? Do you know how many of you women wouldn’t qualify? And I know we are talking about reality television but still, you don’t see a male equivalent version of this show do you? The plight of a regular guy is that we live in a world where females have this “list” that no one can ever measure up to. And the knowledge of that list makes us feel inferior to your ideal man and creates a type of rebellious – “I like her nerve” type attitude. You know, it’s like by dating us regular guys you are really settling but hope you fall in love while you are at it and forget about all the deficiencies we have that are not on your list.
But us regular guys are supposed to just overlook all the things you women don’t measure up to right? Like we have to look over the fact that you have three kids from three different baby daddy’s. (Or in Chili’s case, overlook that clearly soon be homosexual-sissified son of hers and raise him like our own if the relationship progresses). Or the fact that we have to deal with the emotional baggage and lack of trust you have from your last relationship from they guy that had 90% of the things on your list but was cheatin on you because all the other women in your town knew he had fabric softener smelling piss. And we are just supposed to look over all of these things because we ain’t fine enough……because we don’t measure up to your list?
Moral of the story…….make sure the standard you set for your desired mate is one you can measure up to yourself.
- Chili Attending WMXXVII; Connection to John Morrison (klqwrestling.com)
- ‘Real Chance of Love 2’ Crowns its Winners (buddytv.com)
- Chili’s Serves Free Brownie Sundaes for Facebook’s Birthday (clickz.com)